Reader Question
Why does heartbreak hurt so much? How to let go and move on
4 min read
Why does heartbreak hurt so much? It's been weeks since my breakup, and I still think about him every day. I know the relationship wasn't right for me, so why do I miss him so much? I just want to move on, but I can't seem to let go.
Char says 💕
Oh, Sophie. Heartbreak is one of those experiences that can make even the strongest woman feel completely helpless. Don't believe everything your thoughts tell you. Try focusing on reality.
One minute you're doing fine, and the next, a song comes on, you see something that reminds you of him, or you catch yourself reaching for your phone to tell him something.
And suddenly, you're right back in the middle of it.
But here's something I want you to understand: Missing someone doesn't mean they were right for you.
You're not just grieving a person. You're grieving the routines you shared, the connection you felt, and perhaps most painfully, the future you imagined together.
🧠 Science of love: why heartbreak physically hurts
Sophie, did you know that heartbreak isn't just an emotional experience? Your brain and body can respond to romantic rejection in surprisingly physical ways.
Research using brain imaging has found that looking at a former partner after an unwanted breakup can activate brain regions involved in emotional distress, motivation, and craving.
Some studies also show that social rejection engages brain systems associated with the distressing aspects of physical pain, although emotional and physical pain aren't neurologically identical.
Romantic attachment involves reward and bonding systems, including dopamine and oxytocin. When a relationship ends, losing that familiar source of connection can contribute to longing, stress, and persistent thoughts about your ex.
Here's why that matters: You can logically understand that a relationship wasn't right for you while still feeling an intense emotional pull toward that person.
Your feelings may take longer to adjust than your decisions.
So don't interpret the pain as proof that you should get back together.
The intensity of your heartbreak doesn't measure how right someone was for you. It reflects, in part, how deeply you were attached.
Now, Sophie, let's talk about how to move forward.
1. Accept that you loved him and wanted it to work
Sophie, it's okay to admit that you cared deeply about him. You wanted this relationship to work, and losing that possibility hurts.
You don't have to pretend you don't care in order to move on.
Give yourself permission to grieve. Cry if you need to. Talk to a friend. Write down what you're feeling. Don't judge yourself for missing someone who wasn't right for you.
But here's something I want you to try: Give your grief a little space in your day, without letting it take over your entire day.
Set aside 15–20 minutes to journal, reflect, or simply feel whatever comes up. Over time, practice returning your attention to the life happening around you.
You can't always schedule sadness, and that's okay. The point isn't to suppress your feelings. It's to stop letting heartbreak consume every waking moment.
You can love someone, miss them, and still accept that the relationship is over.
2. Learn what you can, but don't blame yourself
Sophie, every relationship teaches us something, even the ones that break our hearts.
It's natural to look back and wonder: Could I have done something differently? Did I miss the warning signs? Was I asking for too much?
And maybe there are things you could have done differently. That's okay! None of us gets everything right when it comes to love.
But there's a difference between taking responsibility for your choices and blaming yourself for a relationship that didn't work.
Ask yourself what you've learned. Were there red flags you overlooked? Boundaries you didn't communicate? Needs you ignored because you wanted the relationship to work?
Take those lessons with you, Sophie. They'll help you make better choices next time.
But don't spend your days replaying every conversation, searching for the one thing you could have said or done to change the outcome.
You can learn from your mistakes without punishing yourself for making them.
Remember, a relationship takes two people. You weren't solely responsible for making it work.
And the goal isn't to become perfect for the next man. It's to become wiser about who you choose and what you need.
3. Start dating again when you can
I know, Sophie. The last thing you probably want to do right now is put yourself out there again.
You might feel like you'll never find someone who makes you feel the way he did.
But you need to start making new memories instead of living in the old ones.
When you feel ready, say yes to a coffee date. Meet someone new. Let yourself laugh, flirt, and experience the excitement of getting to know another person.
You don't need to rush into a relationship or find someone to replace him. Dating can simply be an opportunity to rediscover what you enjoy, what you want, and what's possible.
And don't forget to make new memories outside of dating, too. Spend time with friends, travel somewhere new, and do things that make you feel alive again.
The relationship you lost isn't the only love story you'll ever have.
You won't feel heartbroken forever, Sophie. I know it might seem impossible to believe right now, but the pain can soften with time, new experiences, and a little kindness toward yourself.
One day, you'll realize you went an entire day without thinking about him. And eventually, remembering him won't hurt the way it does today.
Trust me. There is so much life and love still waiting for you.
Love,
Char 💋